Had these listed on geocities, but soon geocities will be closing down, so had to rescue those puns:
- A good pun is its own reword.
- To err is human, to moo bovine.
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative
- My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
- Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean morality comes from morons?
- A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
- Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
- Is a big book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
- Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
- Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
- Without geometry, life is pointless.
- When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
- When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
- Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
- A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
- Without geometry, life is pointless.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would give you Linoleum Blownapart.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The radio station that played particularly good music was a rare medium, well-done.
- When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- A good acupuncture is a jab well done.
- They also surf who only stand on waves.
- Addicted to brake fluid? Nah, I can stop any time. (Mark Foerster)
- If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.
- Bough, cough, dough, rough, sought, through, hiccough – argh!
- Man was predestined to have free will.
- She’s in love with her psychiatrist: she’s shrink-rapt
- Threw jelly at cop; conviction: carrying congealed weapon
- Cross a cannon with a bell: boomerang!
- With fronds like these, who needs anemones?
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are inseine.
- Australian beer is made out of kangaroo hops
- Does “Quasimodo” ring a bell? I had a hunch it would…
- Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
- Dyslexics of the world, untie!!
- Erik the Red was a Norse of a different colour
- Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy
- In plumbing,a straight flush is better than a full house
- It looks like an optical illusion, but it isn’t
- Me…a skeptic? I trust you have proof
- Pornography? We don’t even have a pornograph!
- Puns are bad..but Poetry is……verse
- Red ship crashes into blue ship – sailors marooned.
- The beauty of a pun is in the argh of the beholder
- The cost of feathers has risen, now even down is up
- The cow ate bluegrass and mooed indigo.
- To learn about paranoids, follow them around.
- Gentlemen prefer bonds. (Andrew Mellon)
- Tried to play my shoehorn – all I got was footnotes
- Try Milk of Amnesia – when you need to forget
- When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall
- Witches fly on brooms because nature abhors a vacuum
- I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. (G. Carlin)
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Every calendar’s days are numbered.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
- In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
- She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
