eXTReMe Tracker
Sep 292009
 

Had these listed on geocities, but soon geocities will be closing down, so had to rescue those puns:

  • A good pun is its own reword.
  • To err is human, to moo bovine.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
  • Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean morality comes from morons?
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a big book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  • Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
  • When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would give you Linoleum Blownapart.
  • The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • The radio station that played particularly good music was a rare medium, well-done.
  • When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • A good acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • They also surf who only stand on waves.
  • Addicted to brake fluid? Nah, I can stop any time. (Mark Foerster)
  • If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.
  • Bough, cough, dough, rough, sought, through, hiccough – argh!
  • Man was predestined to have free will.
  • She’s in love with her psychiatrist: she’s shrink-rapt
  • Threw jelly at cop; conviction: carrying congealed weapon
  • Cross a cannon with a bell: boomerang!
  • With fronds like these, who needs anemones?
  • Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are inseine.
  • Australian beer is made out of kangaroo hops
  • Does “Quasimodo” ring a bell? I had a hunch it would…
  • Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
  • Dyslexics of the world, untie!!
  • Erik the Red was a Norse of a different colour
  • Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy
  • In plumbing,a straight flush is better than a full house
  • It looks like an optical illusion, but it isn’t
  • Me…a skeptic? I trust you have proof
  • Pornography? We don’t even have a pornograph!
  • Puns are bad..but Poetry is……verse
  • Red ship crashes into blue ship – sailors marooned.
  • The beauty of a pun is in the argh of the beholder
  • The cost of feathers has risen, now even down is up
  • The cow ate bluegrass and mooed indigo.
  • To learn about paranoids, follow them around.
  • Gentlemen prefer bonds. (Andrew Mellon)
  • Tried to play my shoehorn – all I got was footnotes
  • Try Milk of Amnesia – when you need to forget
  • When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall
  • Witches fly on brooms because nature abhors a vacuum
  • I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. (G. Carlin)
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • Every calendar’s days are numbered.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  • In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
  • She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  • The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.